The Bangability of Bottoms Characters from Least to Greatest

Personally, I was a HUGE fan of this movie, seeing it twice in-theaters, dragging a different friend to accompany me each time. Even when visiting home for a weekend, I proceeded to share Seligman’s masterpiece with my parents and sister’s boyfriend. They all also ATE. IT. UP. (Proof that straight people can also be great!)

Some thoughts from my ally roommates:

Now getting to the character rankings…

Coming in last place,

11. Every single man. That is, except for

10. Mr. G.

Consistently pushing feminist curriculum and playing the role of an incredible ally, Mr. G was my favorite male character to appear on the screen. We love a teacher who believes in therapy and female rage. Wishing him the best of luck in his divorce!

9. Rhodes.

Our gay Yoda. Oh, how I wish I had you in high school. You would’ve steered me away from skinny jeans and painting my senior parking spot to say “Team Edward.” You would’ve stopped me from befriending the guy who outed me in front of my first girl-crush. You would’ve been there when that same guy started dating that same first girl-crush for 4 years. They’re still on and off now. I guess I helped them find each other?

8. Brittany.

Not having Kaia Gerber’s character higher up on this list might be controversial, but whoops sorry. Trigger warning: opinions. However, I will say that in the scene where all the girls are first learning how to fight with PAIN by King Princess playing, her pink pants fit with the two top buns: did. it. for. me.

7. Annie. (left)

As a Catholic school attendee for 9 years of my life, I related to the film’s token conservative. It’s giving “I can fix her,” and I do fall into that trope so-

6. Sylvie.

I, too, had braces for a large chunk of high school and can’t stop saying “slay.” Like, gun to my head, tell me to stop. I can’t.

5. Stella-Rebecca.

Stella-Rebecca is constantly overlooked as a heart throb in this film. She is a cheerleader who joins the school’s fight club in order to reverse-stalk her stalker, and she discovers her sexuality at the conclusion of the movie after watching PJ (Rachel Sennott) and Hazel (Ruby Cruz) kiss (incredibly understandable). Stella-Rebecca models at car conventions, which bumps her up to five in this ranking. I know nothing about cars. I couldn’t even tell you the year my car was made, however!!!! She could always teach me 😉

4. Isabel.

Havana Rose Liu plays Isabel. My GOD she is so gorgeous, and she gets number 4 because she is anxious af. We could be anxious together! Also, my plethora of sweatshirts are HERS since Isabel’s mom is a little b*tch who thinks they make you look ugly. Like okay attack half of my wardrobe why don’t you?

3. PJ.

PJ is definitely a little *sshole, but I kinda like that. She’s played by Rachel Sennott, who I fell in love with after seeing Shiva Baby for the first time. I then proceeded to do a Rachel deep-dive which included viewing every single one of her old YouTube skits and illegally watching Bodies Bodies Bodies just for her.

2. Josie.

I love Ayo Edebiri far too much to not put her character in the top 2. I am also a big fan of The Bear so…my hands are tied! Sydney Adamu could RUIN MY LIFE. Like yes, cook for me! Complain about your day! I’ll listen! I promise!!!

1. Hazel.

Hazel is my favorite loser lesbian in all that is considered cinema. My parents did not have 2/3 of their offspring turn out to be gay just for me to fail in ranking Ruby Cruz at first. I watched Willow on Disney+ before they ripped it from our hands (homophobia), and I’ve been hyper fixated on Ruby Cruz ever since.

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Honorable Mention:

Finally, although not included in this ranking due to her being the director and not a character, Emma Seligman deserves to be noted as a hot b*tch. For everybody knows that only hot b*tches make hot b*tch movies.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re either my parents, my ally roommates, or gay, so yay you! You’re super hot and super cool & definitely a bottom. 😉